Crossing our fingers...

(Sorry this is a little late...I took a couple days to digest everything.)

I went into this IUI with very little expectation. Ok, scratch that. I attempted to go into this with little expectation...what actually happened, was that I bargained with every higher power that I could think of, to let this be "our time"... I begged and pleaded that this IUI would work and that we wouldn't have to go through months upon months of medications, RE appts and treatments. Hubby attempted to bring me back down to reality and tried to not get my hopes up...but it was too late. I woke up Sunday morning like I was 5 years old again and it was Christmas...today I was going to get the best present. Ever.

Needless to say, the day did not exactly go as "planned". (I know what you're thinking. When is she going to learn? When has any of this gone "as planned"? I hear you.) We woke up slightly later than we'd expected and had just enough time to get to the clinic for Hubby's appt at 8am. I had been dreading going back to this office (or clinic has two locations...we usually go to the one in Hartford, but on the weekends, every is sent to their second location; the one with the snotty receptionist that had "misplaced" Hubby's paper work months ago). I was not looking forward to seeing that same receptionist. Luckily, she must not work weekends and the woman at the desk was very nice. (She kept calling me "sweetie" and "hun"... some might find it demeaning, but at that point, it was some what comforting.) While I waited for Hubby, 8-10 couples came in and out for various appointments. Something struck me while I was sitting there. IF does not discriminate based on age, race, gender etc...

After Hubby's appt, we had a couple hours before the actual procedure. We headed to breakfast (where we got on the topic of daycare vs. no daycare...not a fun topic) and then to Target to wander for a bit. Now some of you might think I'm nuts for this (Hubby definitely did), but I'm starting to be a big believer in the "power of positive thinking". (ok, it hasn't actually worked for us yet...but I'm sure it will someday...") Anyway, while walking into the store, I explained to Hubby how I wanted to pick a little baby something (gender neutral) as kind a "momento" for this day.

I had realized while I was laying in bed the day before: This was a huge step for us. In a manner of speaking, this is really Hubby and I's first real chance of actually getting pregnant...even after a year of trying. I think sometimes we (meaning Hubby and I...as well as other IF couples) get so caught up in the suggestions of doctors and the "next steps", that we forget to stop and really realize what a big step we're really taking. It almost starts to feel "natural"...but IF is anything but. I've realized in the last few weeks (especially) how matter-of-fact I am when someone asks me about our treatments or our next step. I've seen the shocked looks on peoples faces when I very matter-of-factly say "Well, yes there might be several eggs when we do IUI" or "If IUI doesn't work, we'll move on to IVF in a month or two". I sometimes wonder (in the moment) why people look so shocked. Ohhhh...that's right! This isn't normal.

So while laying in bed that night, I decided I wanted (no, needed) to do something to say to the universe..."I believe this will work". So we wandered around the baby section looking for that perfect something. Do you realize how very little gender neutral items there are?? After going up and down the isles, we setteled on a bath set with a picture of a crab (maybe a tribute to my future "crabbiness"?) that says "Mommy and Daddy love me". I couldn't think of anything more appropriate. Ok, so realistically, it's very possible that this baby item will sit in my closet unused for a long time. Some people may also think that I jinxed myself...but I couldn't help it. I had to.

After our lil shopping trip, we heading back to the clinic. We were called in pretty quickly and escorted to one of the rooms I have grown so "fond" of. Within a few minutes a young woman came in (didn't introduce herself...didn't find out til later that she is a doctor/"fellow"...could've been a secretary for all we knew!) and asked a few questions. I told her it was our first IUI and she began the ultrasound to check and see how many follicles (follies) there were.

Now, I've had enough of these "dates with the dildo cam" to actually kind of know what to look for on the screen. I got nervous when I realized that I wasn't seeing the pronounced circles that are normally pointed out to me as follies. After a very long minute, she explained that it looked like I had already ovulated. I started to panic, but she said that it didn't affect the procedure; we would still have the same percentage chance as we would have, had they been able to complete the IUI prior to me ovulating. The only difference was that she wouldn't be able to tell us how many follies there were.

Of course this sent red flags up for me. This was my concern when I had called them a few weeks ago and asked to be monitored...I didn't want to be laying on the table, feet in stirrups, mind racing - and have to make such a big decision. Had I been able to have the prior ultrasound, they would have been able to tell me approximately how many there were. Long story short, she assured us that based on the amount of fluid present from the follies, she strongly believed that it was safe. (There was not an excessive amount of fluid.) We agreed to go ahead with the IUI, and within 3-4 minutes, it was over and she had left the room. Wam bam thank you mam...

I can discuss my annoyance and frustrations much better now...two days later. Sunday, however, I was pissed. While I knew it was not the clinic's "fault" that I had ovulated earlier than they would expect, I was annoyed with myself for not insisting on the monitoring that I had asked about. I was sent downstairs for bloodwork to prove that I had ovulated, and was later called by the RE we saw that morning. She said my bloodwork looked great and that she had talked to our RE. They decided that should this cycle not work, next cycle we would continue with the same dosage of meds, but monitor me by CD12 (not CD 14 like this cycle) to ensure that they don't miss that time frame. Really? How smart of you. You mean you'll basically do exactly what I asked for during this cycle??

Needless to say, I'm not feeling as positive about this cycle as I was during our shopping trip earlier that morning. I will be the longest two weeks of my life. Scratch that...longer than two weeks. Because of the holiday, I won't have my beta until Sept 7th. I don't think I'll be waiting that long...I see HPT's in my near future. Luckily I'll have the start of student teaching to keep my busy and hopefully keep my mind of the fact that our lives could change forever soon. Or...it won't.