Terrified...

I decided I needed to finally sit down and type this all out before a) I go crazy... or b) I start to forget exactly everything we saw/felt on Friday. Here goes...



Our first ultrasound was this past Friday. While I was ecstatic to have finally gotten to this point, I had a nagging fear that I shouldn't get my hopes up. Of course, I kept this to myself. Wouldn't everyone think I was crazy? I was a ball of excitement/nerves all day and even ducked out of work a few minutes early to give myself some time to regroup in the RE's parking lot. Hubby met me there with lunch and we munched in the car...patiently waiting for an appropriately early time to walk in. About 20 mins before our scheduled time, my bladder couldn't hold it anymore and we went in.

After making a quick stop at the ladies room, we silently took the elevator to the 3rd floor and tried to check in at the window. The receptionist looked confused when I gave her my name. She couldn't find us on the schedule. Great. As if my stomach wasn't in knots enough...now I was going to have to reschedule?! Just as I was gearing up to insist on being seen, she found my name...but on the schedule for the 2nd floor! Huh?? Apparently we were moving up (...or down...) in the world and have graduated to the 2nd floor of our clinic. I didn't have know they saw patients on the 2nd floor...

Once we made our way down to the correct waiting room, the receptionist greeted me with a cheery smile and we were taken back to an exam room within minutes. The nurse that brought me back was the one that had given me my largest (most grotesque looking) bruise...I was praying no blood would be needed. She asked how I was feeling...any cramping or spotting? I told her that I had (what I thought) was pretty consistent cramping up until a few days ago. Her head snapped back towards me so quick I thought it might fly off her neck... "What? You've been cramping?" she asked. I explained to her that I was told that cramping was normal...as long as there was no spotting that I was fine. She didn't seem thrilled with this response, but left the room telling me that Dr. E would be in soon.

...soon wasn't very soon. I think we waited about 20 minutes - the whole time wondering if this appt could get any more comical. I even joked that I could probably perform the ultrasound myself by now. I may not know exactly what I'm looking at...but surely I could find something! My question was answered when Dr. E walked in...with nurse scary and Dr. G (a fellow). Not exactly the most intimate of appts, but at least we'd met Dr. G before and he seemed like a nice guy. Dr. E asked how I was feeling and thankfully didn't seem concerned about the cramping.

Dr. G began the ultrasound (yikes! Hadn't had the dildo cam in a few weeks...and I did not miss it...) and within a few seconds Dr. E moved the screen a bit so I could see. I was thrilled to see the sac and yolk...and within seconds, realize I was looking at a little flickering spot. Hubby could see it too. Suddenly a calm came over me and I assumed everything was ok.

I laid there for what felt like forever. I could tell that Dr. G was trying to measure the baby and assumed that he was having difficulty because he's a newer doctor. He even ended up switching with Dr. E. After another minute or two, Dr. E said that the baby was measuring 6w4d (a couple days behind - I was currently 6w6d). While I wasn't thrilled with this news, Dr. E said that this wasn't abnormal and it wasn't a big concern.

The two docs switched positions and and Dr. G began to measure the heartrate. Again, it took several minutes and Dr. E eventually took over again. Yet again, I just assumed Dr. G was just inexperienced. After a couple of minutes, Dr. E began explaining that the baby's heartrate was slower than he'd like to see. I remember him saying that it was measuring at around 90 and he likes to see 120. Hubby remembers hearing that he looks for around 110. Either way, I felt like my world was slowly crumbling around me. I was in a fog but I heard him saying, "Try not to worry about it"..."Could go either way"..."50/50 chance"..."Don't call your OB for an appt yet" ... "We'll take another look next week"...

Seriously, "Try not to worry about it!?" Here's the thing. While I understand that he was required to give me all the facts, if he hadn't voiced his concerns, then I would have continued living in ignorant bliss until a follow-up ultrasound...something I wouldn't have questioned since all RE usually do weekly ultrasounds until you graduate to your OB. Now, I'm a nervous wreck...and I'm only making it worse by trying not to be nervous for the baby's sake. It's a vicious circle...

Everyone keeps telling me how amazed they are at how well I "handled" everything we'd been through. Honestly though, I was so focused on getting pregnant that I couldn't think of any scenario in which that wouldn't happen. I thought for sure that once I got pregnant, everything would be easy from there. I should've known better...I guess I was more naive than I thought. Friday was my wake up call. This isn't going to be easy...not at any point in the journey. I'm just praying that this week's ultrasound tells us that we get to continue on this journey...